


Ratrace

by moji964



Series: Hermitcraft Oneshots [4]
Category: Hermitcraft
Genre: Angst, Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, weeee venting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:34:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23975326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moji964/pseuds/moji964
Summary: This is me heavily venting and projecting my thoughts onto someone else.Despite this all and what this contains, please seek help from a professional if you do feel this way (which means I probably should oops) rather than leave a comment here.I've enabled comment moderation and I will not be posting any of them. No one here is your therapist and we cannot help you the way you need help.Suicide is never an option, despite how tempting it can be. Trust me, that's where I am right now- standing at the edge and too afraid to take the leap. So I won't.But I know how tempting it is to jump- so just know that someone out there will miss you if you do. Keep living, even if it's only for yourself, a fanfic that you want to see finish, a video, a pet, or to see the sunrise.Just please live, okay?
Relationships: no - Relationship
Series: Hermitcraft Oneshots [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1748890
Kudos: 41





	Ratrace

**Author's Note:**

> This is me heavily venting and projecting my thoughts onto someone else.
> 
> Despite this all and what this contains, please seek help from a professional if you do feel this way (which means I probably should oops) rather than leave a comment here.  
> I've enabled comment moderation and I will not be posting any of them. No one here is your therapist and we cannot help you the way you need help.
> 
> Suicide is never an option, despite how tempting it can be. Trust me, that's where I am right now- standing at the edge and too afraid to take the leap. So I won't.  
> But I know how tempting it is to jump- so just know that someone out there will miss you if you do. Keep living, even if it's only for yourself, a fanfic that you want to see finish, a video, a pet, or to see the sunrise.  
> Just please live, okay?

The city was always too loud. That's what first started to bother him.  
The incessant noise, the constant rush, the race from point A to point B and back again, being crushed by the corporate ladder while he was still climbing it... It was all too much.  
Suit lapels and silk ties, dress shoes and well-groomed.  
Cleverly masked insults and haughty laughter. Fancy lights hanging from business lobbies. The focus on appearance, how no one was allowed to be human- to show frustration, or sadness- anything outside of "Hi, how can I help you?"

It was all so.... pointless. So insanely, stupidly, _utterly_ pointless.

Wake up, get dressed, work, go home, sleep, repeat.  
Wake up, get dressed, work, go home, sleep, repeat.  
Wake up, get dressed, work, go home, sleep, repeat.  
repeat, repeat, repeat.

He was so tired- tired in the way that sleeping couldn't fix, the bone-deep kind of tired, the kind where if someone asked "are you okay?" you'd fake a smile, nod and reply "yeah, guess I didn't sleep well."  
Blame it on a lack of sleep- no one would get suspicious.  
But the tired feeling never went away.

Some days, it would be barely noticeable- and you could laugh and smile without forcing it. But those days grew to be few and far between.

He missed those days.

* * *

It was slow at first.

The creeping idea that there could be a way out.

But he cared too much still, despite losing everything, pushing away friends and family so they would hurt less, ignoring calls and texts until they gave up and the phone never rang.  
He never meant for the stars to align this way.  
Never meant to push everyone out.

But he did.

And he still cared. He still had Benji and Kubo, his pets who needed him- he couldn't disappear on them.... could he?  
They'd miss him if he disappeared.  
So he'd live for them. He'd live until they didn't and then he'd have the courage. The strength to stand at the edge of the cliff and close his eyes as he fell. The strength to not look back.

And when his pets passed and he grieved appropriately, he told himself he'd do it. He'd had enough.  
He never planned to make it this far anyway.  
He never wanted to run the rat race.  
  
He didn't want to live this far because he knew he'd hate it. Was life worth living if you hate every second of it?  
If you kept saying "tomorrow will be better" when it never has been? Promising yourself empty words for years on end?  
What a broken record ideology.  
stuck on repeat.

All he wanted was to not make anyone upset when he died- was that so hard to ask?  
His phone never rang anymore. He didn't have pets relying on him anymore.  
All he has was his job.  
So why the hell was it still so hard?

* * *

There was a bridge.

There was also a weapons shop, a drugstore, and his kitchen.

He had options- it wasn't like it was hard.

It was so hard to be okay. It was so much harder to pick one.  
He knew if someone else did it- pressed the barrel of a gun to his forehead right now, he'd press his forehead against it.  
But he couldn't do it himself.

He didn't know why.

So he woke up the next day, drained like always, frustrated like always. Masked his emotions like always. Ignored everything and everyone like always.  
Lived despite it all.  
Lived like always- hating every second of it but too afraid to die.


End file.
